Sunday September 13, 2009

Sometimes I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up for sometimes the silliest smallest things. I know better than to do this, but yet, I can't seem to forgive myself for things that I feel I have done to betray someone or harmed someone or disappointed someone or even done these things to myself. These things I might have done through actions or words or even just thoughts.
There are things in my life that I need to forgive myself for. Things that I have been carrying around, mulling about and having these thoughts and feelings around my neck like a big weight that I have been carrying for a long time.

Forgiving yourself is a more difficult task for a lot of us than forgiving others. We are human, and part of being human and becoming more human is to realize that we hurt ourselves and other people just by being alive and living our lives. What I believe makes us more compassionate and happier is to realize that we fail and to be able to realize this in ourselves and to forgive ourselves for our inadequacies and ambiguities. What do you have to forgive yourself for? Can you make a quick list of things that come to mind that you have automatic thoughts about on a daily basis. I have a lot, but here are a few:

1. Not going to grad school when I was younger.
2. Hurting the men I dated
3. Not working out enough and gaining weight
4. Going back to work when my middle son was little.
5. Not telling my Dad how I really felt about him during his life, and only waiting till the end to tell him.
6. Never giving myself a break about what happened to my brother all those years ago. And still feeling like it was my fault somehow.
7. Not being a better wife.
8. Not expressing my love and depth of feelings to those in my world who need to hear it more.
9. Not asking for help and always feeling like I can do it all.
10. Not being better with money.

Look at all the "not's" in my list. This is very telling in and of itself. The things that I haven't forgiven myself for are things I didn't do, not things I did.

Think about that and now make a list of things that others have done to hurt you. If you are ready, maybe you could offer them forgiveness. They may not be ready to receive it, but if you give it, this will help you on your journey. Being aware of it will help you on your journey. I have a list, but I am not going to list it here because of confidentiality sakes. But please make your own list and take it to heart. Try not to sit in judgement any more and imagine a world for yourself that is free of the anger and bitterness that comes from long standing unforgiveness and hurt.